Raking... and Fight Club!

Boy, I sure do love raking! Isnt it delightfully futile how as you pick up leaves, new ones just blow in their place? Even better is how your hands smell like decaying leaves for the whole day. Seriously, sometimes I just want to take a flamethrower to my yard. I should probably get back to raking, but I would much rather blog right now. So anyway I just watched that movie "Fight Club." Pretty wild. I wish I had a split personality that made me do really awesome things... well, not the whole destruction of property and financial chaos thing, but you get the idea. My split personality wouldnt be Brad Pitt though... It would be Abraham Lincoln. Nah, Honest Abe wouldn't do very cool things. ok ok ok, I got it! My split personality would be Bender from Futurama, yeah. That would be awesome. I think I have a SERIOUS problem with Zombies right now. Every other night I have a nightmare about them. Seriously though, they are so scary. RANDOMNESS OVERDOSE! EXPLOSION IMMINENT IN 3! 2! 1! ......

The Story of Hans Hasenpfeffer

Hans Hasenpfeffer tripped over a dozing man while strolling to the bratwurst barbecue. He simply chuckled and heaved his pudgy lederhosen clad body wobbly to his feet and brushed himself off. Hans counted down the days on his calendar for Oktoberfest. It was his promised land, a week of nothing but pretzels, bratwurst, oom-pah music, and controlled chaos of partying. His father took him to his first Oktoberfest when he was only six, and ever since he saw it as the holiest week of the year. He sat down on a birch wood bench, which sagged under in weight, and joined in a drunken rendition of “Take Me Home Country Road” with a droopy eyed American and Japanese man. He smiled to himself and began to devour a spit-roast chicken. Little did he know that a dark shadow loomed on the horizon.
The Oktoberfesters noticed the growing shadow as I darkened the stuffy tent, and they recognized it immediately. “Oh no, they’re back!” cried Hans’s friend Heinrich Von Vindow-Vasher. The Eiffel tower hovered over the green German horizon, massive rockets attached to its four bases. Piloting the evil construct was none other than Pierre the Fighter pilot.
“Denizens of Oktoberfest!” he shouted in a thick accent, “Cease this festival at ONCE! The consumption of alcohol is no stable activity for a cultural celebration! You should celebrate with paintings and class like we French!”
“Do you mean “we French” as in the group of you, or Oui French which means yes French?” shouted a German Tuba player from the crowd.
“It doesn’t matter,” Hans interrupted, “I’ve been to every Oktoberfest since I could walk upright, and no Legionnaire is going to stop me!” Hans grabbed every remaining untapped keg and barrel, hopped in his multicolored Volkswagen bus and drove to the Berlin science center’s centrifuge. After intense shaking and spinning, the canisters vibrated with dangerous gaseous tension. Hans Lugged the bursting barrels back to his van, and sped back to the festival, where Pierre and the crowd was still arguing about the “we French” statement.
Hans stood triumphantly and lined up his munitions, oompa music in his ears and pride in his heart.
“LE CHAAAAARGE!” Pierre shouted and the French monument slowly began its rocket boosted advance towards the puny beer tent. Hans picked up an oompa drummer’s mallet and struck the corks and taps on the barrels. The canisters shot at the Eiffel tower, foam trailing behind, driven by sheer gaseous pressure. After several direct hits, the tower was covered in ale, and the rockets combusted the monument into a massive flaming spire. “If I go down, I go down in flames!” cried Pierre as the Eiffel Tower listed to the side and exploded. Hans gave a hearty red faced smile, and with his friends hobbled back into the tent to have a congratulatory pretzel.
“Long live Oktoberfest!” cried Hans. They cheered and began devouring a savory pig roast, knowing that next year’s would be just as fun.

Surviving an Action Movie

Lets start off simple here. If you find yourself in a movie, you will pe pit against an antagonist. This antagonist will ruin your life, and it is your purpouse to defeat this villain. DO NOT ASSUME THIS ANTAGONIST HAS BEEN DEFEATED UNTIL YOU SEE HIS BODY OR REMAINS! Too many times has a character been killed off because they assumed "Theres no way he could have survived that fall!" and then bam! Right in the kisser.

Secondly, If you run into a female character who talks alot, YOU WILL END UP WITH HER. Believe me, it doesnt matter how much you both cant stand eachother in the beginning of the plot, the director considers this conflict "Dynamic Romantic Tension."in lamen's terms, you two will be marching down the aisle by lunchtime.

The scientist character always dies first. Trust me. If you find yourself in a movie, and your GPA is equal to or higher than 4.5, kill yourself. DO IT. DO IT NOW.

DO NOT EXPECT TO MARCH RIGHT UP TO THE VILLAIN AND DEFEAT HIM! Noooo, you have to work your way up, take out his henchmen first, than his lieutenants, than his second in command (the female character will probably take out the only other female character in a catfight) and finally, you beat him one on one, probably through an explosion, avalanche or other chain reaction. Remember rule 1!

Are you holding a gun in the beginning of your journey? Yes? Throw it off a cliff. Believe me, youre going to get less use out of that thing than a fork at KFC. Either youll be out of bullets, or it will be just out of reach when you most need it. I know, its crazy, but believe me, it happens all the time.

When you finally defeat your villain, You must say a witty or imposing line or quip. If you don't, the villain will keep coming back scarred or replaced with robotic body parts until you do. Take for example, jaws from James Bond. Seriously, How many times has that guy died?

DO NOT GET INTO A CAR. TRUST ME. CARS = BAAAAAD! Either it will break down, run out of gas, get its tires blown out, etc. Instead, grab a nice motorcycle. You'll be fine, trust me.

The bad guys have terrible aim. Take advantage of this. Allow them to shoot at you as much as possible before actually taking action. Its fun!

THANK YOU FOR READING ZANE'S ACTION MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE! With these rules you will be more than prepared for your poorly constructed plot and lousy character design!

You may be a sailor if...

Ok, first off. SAILING IS THE MOST PAINFUL SPORT ON THE PLANET. Now that that's out of the way, Me and my friend lindsey came up with some jokes about sailing. Just but "You might be a sailor" after each one.

-if your head looks like a potato from chernobyl.
-if youve ever sprained your ankle and were told to "Walk it off"
-If youve ever been sung by a jellyfish in your eye and were told to rub dirt in it.
-If youre willing to sail in an industrial shipping lane, but the sound of thunder makes you cringe.
-If youve ever touched the side of the River Lady... while it was moving.
-If you see the Mr. Clean magic eraser as the greatest invention of the 20th century.
-If you see the Toms River as the worlds biggest toilet.
-If the golfers at the toms river country club want impale you with a golf club.
-If you have ever guarded a flag pole with the will to maim anyone who gets in your way.
-If youve ever considered a 20 knot wind as "A nice breeze"
-If youve ever flipped off a fishing boat full of old people.
-If you cant walk down a hallway without at least murmuring "STARBOARD!"
-If youve ever held onto a moving motor boat with your teeth.
-If you see a pocket knife as a tool everyone should carry.
-If youve ever cursed 20 times in one sentence.
-If you have the urge to spin around every time you bump into someone in a hallway.
-If youve ever gotten a life jacket tanline.
- If you see nothing dangerous about slaloming the seaside bridge's concrete supports while in an 16 foot fiberglass boat.
-If your automatic answer for every problem is "Duct Tape and vinegar"

Ill come up with more as I think of them. If anyone who reads this is a sailor, be sure to add your own. Ive got pages of these!

Math and the universe

HAve you ever truly wondered about the symbol "Pi." That little symbol, that little function we all take for granted as we punch the keys on our calculators, Is infinite. Infinity. It will never and can never stop. It blows your mind. This is a two dimensional symbol that moves without moving, it forever calculates new decimal places in the constant pursuit of perfection. Incredible. The entire universe contained in a little symbol. The universe essentially works in numbers. Planetary orbits have algorithms, Comets have calculated trajectories. And we humans are the only ones in the solar system who have figured it all out.

Have you ever just stared at the sky and thought? I did yesterday. As I stared at the sunset, I slightly raised my eyes a bit and soon I was staring straight up, straining my neck. I realized then, that my gaze continued on for an infinite amount of lightyears, With new planets, galaxys, and even universes to be discovered. I wonder what other universes are like. Maybe they're a nicer place. Oddly enough, as I stared into the abyss, I no longer feared death, (which I do on a regular basis). Theres so much Im unaware of in this existence, so much that I could learn. so much, in fact, that it would be impossible to learn it all. This pleased me, alot. I knew then that no matter what happened to me or what I did, that great big universe we merely take a speck of will keep on existing, keep on expanding. I've never been one for religion, but I suddenly embraced a higher power in my existance- the universe itself. Earth is simply a speck of dust on the dashboard of reality. A breeze could wipe it away. And Im just fine with that. In fact, I almost feel pride in the fact that we as humans have existed this long. Have stood against a harsh and cruel universe surrounding us. Come on universe. Im ready to take what you throw at me. Ill be ready and waiting.

Journal time: Beef Jerkey

Do you know what the greatest invention on earth is? I'll tell you... its not penicilin, its not bulletproof vests. It is'nt even fire itself. Its Beef Jerkey. Thats right... that novelty food you non-believers have shunned for so long as a piece of simple dried beef is the material equivalent of Nirvana (not the band). Why, you ask? This glorious snack has the power to enslave the minds of Humans. I could say, "So-and-so, fetch me a SANDWICH!" and bada-bing, I will have a sandwich in due time. True but unknown facts: Beef Jerkey started the American civil war. The confederacy raided the national supply of beef jerkey, but used the raid on harpers ferry as a cover up. Beef Jerkey caused the nixon-watergate scandal. The incriminating tapes would have gone unheard, if it werent for a bag of beef jerkey resting in a window that a passerby saw while going for an evening walk and immediately ran for the all-powerful beef treat. Scientists have even found traces of Element J (Jerkey) in the craters of the arizona desert, suggesting that A massive comet made of Beef Jerkey Killed the dinosaurs. BEHOLD THE JERKEY! RESPECT THE JERKEY! FEAAAAR THE JERKEY! Thank You.

Discovery Channel.

Have any of you guys seen that new Discovery Channel commercial with the singing. Well, here goes nothing!

*Commercial opens with bus pulling into front of school*

I love the hallways. [student walking in front entrance]
I love the locker rooms. [Gym Student]
I love the theater. [thespian]
I love to push my broom. [janitor]
I love this High School, and all its craziness [police officer]
Boom-de-ada Boom-de-ada Boom-de-ada Boom-de-ada.

I love to write stuff, [Ms. Morrison]
I love to sleep in tents [senior]
I love to play sports [jock]
I love the elements. [Mr. Baumgart]
I love this High School, and all its sights and sounds [Stanziano]
(Chorus)

I love to factor [Ms. Besante]
We all love caroling [chorus students]
I love to eat lunch [student walking downtown]
We love to block the wings [pair of students making out]
We love the whole school, now can we please go home!! [student body on bleachers]
(Chorus)


There you go! If you have no idea what Im referencing, just look up "I love the whole world" on youtube. Its a wonderful commercial.