My Budweiser commercial

Reeeeal men of genius...

Today, we celebrate you Zane

Zaaaane yeeeah

Everyday, you make those around you feel better about themselves... by showing how much of a dork you are...

Oooh, Who watched the history channel last night?

Your social blunders list includes such gems as "the spanish were very rude," "I wish I was a zombie" and "Nazicles"

Dont forget finding nemo

Your useless roster of hobbys includes Warcraft, nerdy movies, and of course, playing a chinese guy in the play

Bo-Doh-dee-oh!

So whether it be memorizing the spelling of "Sphincter" at a crucial time, showing your physical ability by falling down the stairs, or memorizing the lyrics to "Knights of the round table," you bring laughter and joy to those around you... by being a total goon

We dance whenever were able- *falls down stairs*

So today we salute you, Zane Schacht. Keep on accidentally saying something that doesnt sound dirty in your mind but really is, or knocking down loud metal objects during play preformances, or coming up with stuff noone in their right mind would say out loud

Heath ledger isnt dead, just under the witness protection program

So have a cold one, Zane Schacht. No, We dont mean a beer, we mean an ice pack for your foot you crushed under that scenery lumber before.

Reaaaal men of geenius

The Producers!

The Producers by Mel Brooks is the greatest musical ever written and performed. Here’s the scoop, it tells the tale of Cowardly accountant Leopold bloom, and down-on-his-luck producer Max Bialystock. Together, they set out to produce the worst play ever on Broadway Here’s the reason: If a Broadway show closes before the scheduled ending, the producers don’t have to pay the backers, who put stock in the show, and take their money and run. So Max and Leo have to find not only the worst play ever written, but the worst director and actors. The play they choose is "Springtime for Hitler," written by the eccentric, manic, and loveable neo-Nazi Franz Liebkind. "Its the mother load!" exclaims max as he reads the Hitler praising dialogue and music. After meeting Franz and gaining the rights to the play (after being forced to sing and dance the fuehrer’s favorite tune : Der Guttentag Hop-clop), Max and Leo need to find the worst director in town, and Max knows just the man for the job; The flamboyantly gay Roger Debris. After gaining his allegiance by promising him the Tony for the show, Max needs the money to finance the play. It’s revealed that he is a male prostitute for old ladies. After raising two million dollars ("There’s a lot of little old ladies out there!) Nothing seems to be in the way of the Doomed show. That is until Franz, who was going to play adolf Hitler in the show, ironically breaks his leg on opening night. The only person who knows his lines is Roger, so instead of the show being a serious, historically accurate homage to Hitler, it becomes a silly comedy, and the show is actually so tasteless and whacked that is HILARIOUS! This means bad news for the producers, and they go to prison for fraud. They are pardoned after their NEW musical "Prisoners of Love" Brings "the joy of music into the hearts of every rapist, murderer, and mugger at sing-sing." Leo and Max go on to produce more tasteless musicals (south Passaic, a streetcar named Marty, Cats) and Roger goes on to become a famous Broadway actor. Even Franz gets a happy ending and becomes a famous playwright. In the end, alls well that ends well, and the producers are silhouetted against a wall of light bulb signs blazing their names.

What makes "The Producers" So funny is that it basically follows the same formula as the fictional play. Its racist, raunchy, prejudice, and rude, but all these traits make it very funny; its so bad, its good. The characters are all very personable and likeable (Franz is my favorite character) and the music... geez, don’t get me started on the music. I love this musical to a ludicrous extent, and I REALLY hope they do it at the school because I already know pretty much all of the lines. Here’s a few samples:


"Ze Fuhrer vas not a mousy little mamas boy, ZE FUHRER VAS BUTCH!"
"I was scared that I was going to go to jail, but I didn’t realize that I was already... in Jail! I spend my life counting other people's money. People I’m smarter than, BETTER THAN! When am I going to get my share, when is it going to be bloomsday! I want, I want, I WANT EVERYTHING IVE EVER SEEN IN THE MOVIES!"
"Bloom, I’ve got the money, now all we gotta do is put on the biggest flop in history!"
"Not many people know zis, but ze fuehrer was a TERRIFIC dancer."
"Quick darling, back in the closet!"

The Story of Hans Hasenpfeffer

Hans Hasenpfeffer tripped over a dozing man while strolling to the bratwurst barbecue. He simply chuckled and heaved his pudgy lederhosen clad body wobbly to his feet and brushed himself off. Hans counted down the days on his calendar for Oktoberfest. It was his promised land, a week of nothing but pretzels, bratwurst, oom-pah music, and controlled chaos of partying. His father took him to his first Oktoberfest when he was only six, and ever since he saw it as the holiest week of the year. He sat down on a birch wood bench, which sagged under in weight, and joined in a drunken rendition of “Take Me Home Country Road” with a droopy eyed American and Japanese man. He smiled to himself and began to devour a spit-roast chicken. Little did he know that a dark shadow loomed on the horizon.
The Oktoberfesters noticed the growing shadow as I darkened the stuffy tent, and they recognized it immediately. “Oh no, they’re back!” cried Hans’s friend Heinrich Von Vindow-Vasher. The Eiffel tower hovered over the green German horizon, massive rockets attached to its four bases. Piloting the evil construct was none other than Pierre the Fighter pilot.
“Denizens of Oktoberfest!” he shouted in a thick accent, “Cease this festival at ONCE! The consumption of alcohol is no stable activity for a cultural celebration! You should celebrate with paintings and class like we French!”
“Do you mean “we French” as in the group of you, or Oui French which means yes French?” shouted a German Tuba player from the crowd.
“It doesn’t matter,” Hans interrupted, “I’ve been to every Oktoberfest since I could walk upright, and no Legionnaire is going to stop me!” Hans grabbed every remaining untapped keg and barrel, hopped in his multicolored Volkswagen bus and drove to the Berlin science center’s centrifuge. After intense shaking and spinning, the canisters vibrated with dangerous gaseous tension. Hans Lugged the bursting barrels back to his van, and sped back to the festival, where Pierre and the crowd was still arguing about the “we French” statement.
Hans stood triumphantly and lined up his munitions, oompa music in his ears and pride in his heart.
“LE CHAAAAARGE!” Pierre shouted and the French monument slowly began its rocket boosted advance towards the puny beer tent. Hans picked up an oompa drummer’s mallet and struck the corks and taps on the barrels. The canisters shot at the Eiffel tower, foam trailing behind, driven by sheer gaseous pressure. After several direct hits, the tower was covered in ale, and the rockets combusted the monument into a massive flaming spire. “If I go down, I go down in flames!” cried Pierre as the Eiffel Tower listed to the side and exploded. Hans gave a hearty red faced smile, and with his friends hobbled back into the tent to have a congratulatory pretzel.
“Long live Oktoberfest!” cried Hans. They cheered and began devouring a savory pig roast, knowing that next year’s would be just as fun.

You may be a sailor if...

Ok, first off. SAILING IS THE MOST PAINFUL SPORT ON THE PLANET. Now that that's out of the way, Me and my friend lindsey came up with some jokes about sailing. Just but "You might be a sailor" after each one.

-if your head looks like a potato from chernobyl.
-if youve ever sprained your ankle and were told to "Walk it off"
-If youve ever been sung by a jellyfish in your eye and were told to rub dirt in it.
-If youre willing to sail in an industrial shipping lane, but the sound of thunder makes you cringe.
-If youve ever touched the side of the River Lady... while it was moving.
-If you see the Mr. Clean magic eraser as the greatest invention of the 20th century.
-If you see the Toms River as the worlds biggest toilet.
-If the golfers at the toms river country club want impale you with a golf club.
-If you have ever guarded a flag pole with the will to maim anyone who gets in your way.
-If youve ever considered a 20 knot wind as "A nice breeze"
-If youve ever flipped off a fishing boat full of old people.
-If you cant walk down a hallway without at least murmuring "STARBOARD!"
-If youve ever held onto a moving motor boat with your teeth.
-If you see a pocket knife as a tool everyone should carry.
-If youve ever cursed 20 times in one sentence.
-If you have the urge to spin around every time you bump into someone in a hallway.
-If youve ever gotten a life jacket tanline.
- If you see nothing dangerous about slaloming the seaside bridge's concrete supports while in an 16 foot fiberglass boat.
-If your automatic answer for every problem is "Duct Tape and vinegar"

Ill come up with more as I think of them. If anyone who reads this is a sailor, be sure to add your own. Ive got pages of these!