Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Raking... and Fight Club!
Boy, I sure do love raking! Isnt it delightfully futile how as you pick up leaves, new ones just blow in their place? Even better is how your hands smell like decaying leaves for the whole day. Seriously, sometimes I just want to take a flamethrower to my yard. I should probably get back to raking, but I would much rather blog right now. So anyway I just watched that movie "Fight Club." Pretty wild. I wish I had a split personality that made me do really awesome things... well, not the whole destruction of property and financial chaos thing, but you get the idea. My split personality wouldnt be Brad Pitt though... It would be Abraham Lincoln. Nah, Honest Abe wouldn't do very cool things. ok ok ok, I got it! My split personality would be Bender from Futurama, yeah. That would be awesome. I think I have a SERIOUS problem with Zombies right now. Every other night I have a nightmare about them. Seriously though, they are so scary. RANDOMNESS OVERDOSE! EXPLOSION IMMINENT IN 3! 2! 1! ......
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The best audition of my life (a memoir)
It had been an excellent day. My first trip into the city alone had been a complete success, and the audition had gone wonderfully. Little did I know that it was all about to change.
As I walked out of Abrams casting agency, I took in a deep breath of that polluted city air that I love so much. Something was wrong though. Mixed with the stench of exhaust, dust, and Body odor which the city is so well known for, A strong tinge of decay lingered. Suddenly, a moving manhole cover caught my eye. At first I assumed it was simply a construction worker, coming up from underground for a coffee or sandwich. I then saw the decayed flesh, heard the mindless groan, and smelled the horrible stench that I would remember for the rest of my days. New York City was being invaded... by ZOMBIES!!!
Thinking fast, I picked up a shovel from a nearby road work area.
"all right, you brain munching fiends, they dont call me ZANE THE PAIN FOR NUTHIN!" I said, hoping to scare the zombies just a little bit. I then remembered that Zombies dont feel fear, so I rethought my strategy and smashed the limping ghoul right over the skull. One down, countless more to go. I realized that If I were to survive, I would have to catch the 5:50 PM ferry to atlantic highlands. I glanced at my watch and saw I only had 30 minutes left. It was just then that I saw an unfortunate pedestrian get overtaken by a zombie from the roaring 20's era (he kept on charleston-kicking the poor man) and I rushed over and took his bike. I may be no genius or soldier, but any fool knows that zombies certainly arent the fastest threat out there.
I also managed to pick up a fallen police officer's handgun with 6 bullets in the magazine. "Alright Zane," I thought to myself, "Time for the role of a lifetime, the hero!"
Unfortunately, my speed advantage soon dissapeared. I saw 3 swervy taxi cabs turn onto seventh avenue behind me. The living dead WERE DRIVING CARS! A large cab pulled up next to me and rolled down the window.
"Youuur on the caaaaash Caaaaaaaab" The miserable wretch moaned.
"I'd like to make a street shout out!" I replied as I shout out his tires and skidded onto 35th street.
Just a few more blocks. Just a few more and I would be alive. I felt the sweat running down my face, my blood pumping in my ears. I managed to jump off the dock just as the ferry pulled away. I couldnt believe it.... I had survived a zombie uprising. "That will make quite a blog!" I panted to myself as I walked inside the ferry. I wondered if the pilot had known about this horrible day and if it was known by people outside the city. I walked up the stairs to the bridge (thats the control room for all you landlubbers) and said "Hey man, thanks for sticking around for me. I would have been a gonner if you left any earlier!" The chair swiveled around, and I stared eye to eye with none other than the zombified corpse... of Black Beard the pirate.
"Yaaaaaaaaarrrr...." Said the petrified pirate.
"Wow, you guys are persistant! I really hope I get a callback for all this mess," I sighed to myself as I lifted my trusty shovel and lunged at him.
As I walked out of Abrams casting agency, I took in a deep breath of that polluted city air that I love so much. Something was wrong though. Mixed with the stench of exhaust, dust, and Body odor which the city is so well known for, A strong tinge of decay lingered. Suddenly, a moving manhole cover caught my eye. At first I assumed it was simply a construction worker, coming up from underground for a coffee or sandwich. I then saw the decayed flesh, heard the mindless groan, and smelled the horrible stench that I would remember for the rest of my days. New York City was being invaded... by ZOMBIES!!!
Thinking fast, I picked up a shovel from a nearby road work area.
"all right, you brain munching fiends, they dont call me ZANE THE PAIN FOR NUTHIN!" I said, hoping to scare the zombies just a little bit. I then remembered that Zombies dont feel fear, so I rethought my strategy and smashed the limping ghoul right over the skull. One down, countless more to go. I realized that If I were to survive, I would have to catch the 5:50 PM ferry to atlantic highlands. I glanced at my watch and saw I only had 30 minutes left. It was just then that I saw an unfortunate pedestrian get overtaken by a zombie from the roaring 20's era (he kept on charleston-kicking the poor man) and I rushed over and took his bike. I may be no genius or soldier, but any fool knows that zombies certainly arent the fastest threat out there.
I also managed to pick up a fallen police officer's handgun with 6 bullets in the magazine. "Alright Zane," I thought to myself, "Time for the role of a lifetime, the hero!"
Unfortunately, my speed advantage soon dissapeared. I saw 3 swervy taxi cabs turn onto seventh avenue behind me. The living dead WERE DRIVING CARS! A large cab pulled up next to me and rolled down the window.
"Youuur on the caaaaash Caaaaaaaab" The miserable wretch moaned.
"I'd like to make a street shout out!" I replied as I shout out his tires and skidded onto 35th street.
Just a few more blocks. Just a few more and I would be alive. I felt the sweat running down my face, my blood pumping in my ears. I managed to jump off the dock just as the ferry pulled away. I couldnt believe it.... I had survived a zombie uprising. "That will make quite a blog!" I panted to myself as I walked inside the ferry. I wondered if the pilot had known about this horrible day and if it was known by people outside the city. I walked up the stairs to the bridge (thats the control room for all you landlubbers) and said "Hey man, thanks for sticking around for me. I would have been a gonner if you left any earlier!" The chair swiveled around, and I stared eye to eye with none other than the zombified corpse... of Black Beard the pirate.
"Yaaaaaaaaarrrr...." Said the petrified pirate.
"Wow, you guys are persistant! I really hope I get a callback for all this mess," I sighed to myself as I lifted my trusty shovel and lunged at him.
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