Sunday, November 9, 2008
Raking... and Fight Club!
Boy, I sure do love raking! Isnt it delightfully futile how as you pick up leaves, new ones just blow in their place? Even better is how your hands smell like decaying leaves for the whole day. Seriously, sometimes I just want to take a flamethrower to my yard. I should probably get back to raking, but I would much rather blog right now. So anyway I just watched that movie "Fight Club." Pretty wild. I wish I had a split personality that made me do really awesome things... well, not the whole destruction of property and financial chaos thing, but you get the idea. My split personality wouldnt be Brad Pitt though... It would be Abraham Lincoln. Nah, Honest Abe wouldn't do very cool things. ok ok ok, I got it! My split personality would be Bender from Futurama, yeah. That would be awesome. I think I have a SERIOUS problem with Zombies right now. Every other night I have a nightmare about them. Seriously though, they are so scary. RANDOMNESS OVERDOSE! EXPLOSION IMMINENT IN 3! 2! 1! ......
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The Story of Hans Hasenpfeffer
Hans Hasenpfeffer tripped over a dozing man while strolling to the bratwurst barbecue. He simply chuckled and heaved his pudgy lederhosen clad body wobbly to his feet and brushed himself off. Hans counted down the days on his calendar for Oktoberfest. It was his promised land, a week of nothing but pretzels, bratwurst, oom-pah music, and controlled chaos of partying. His father took him to his first Oktoberfest when he was only six, and ever since he saw it as the holiest week of the year. He sat down on a birch wood bench, which sagged under in weight, and joined in a drunken rendition of “Take Me Home Country Road” with a droopy eyed American and Japanese man. He smiled to himself and began to devour a spit-roast chicken. Little did he know that a dark shadow loomed on the horizon.
The Oktoberfesters noticed the growing shadow as I darkened the stuffy tent, and they recognized it immediately. “Oh no, they’re back!” cried Hans’s friend Heinrich Von Vindow-Vasher. The Eiffel tower hovered over the green German horizon, massive rockets attached to its four bases. Piloting the evil construct was none other than Pierre the Fighter pilot.
“Denizens of Oktoberfest!” he shouted in a thick accent, “Cease this festival at ONCE! The consumption of alcohol is no stable activity for a cultural celebration! You should celebrate with paintings and class like we French!”
“Do you mean “we French” as in the group of you, or Oui French which means yes French?” shouted a German Tuba player from the crowd.
“It doesn’t matter,” Hans interrupted, “I’ve been to every Oktoberfest since I could walk upright, and no Legionnaire is going to stop me!” Hans grabbed every remaining untapped keg and barrel, hopped in his multicolored Volkswagen bus and drove to the Berlin science center’s centrifuge. After intense shaking and spinning, the canisters vibrated with dangerous gaseous tension. Hans Lugged the bursting barrels back to his van, and sped back to the festival, where Pierre and the crowd was still arguing about the “we French” statement.
Hans stood triumphantly and lined up his munitions, oompa music in his ears and pride in his heart.
“LE CHAAAAARGE!” Pierre shouted and the French monument slowly began its rocket boosted advance towards the puny beer tent. Hans picked up an oompa drummer’s mallet and struck the corks and taps on the barrels. The canisters shot at the Eiffel tower, foam trailing behind, driven by sheer gaseous pressure. After several direct hits, the tower was covered in ale, and the rockets combusted the monument into a massive flaming spire. “If I go down, I go down in flames!” cried Pierre as the Eiffel Tower listed to the side and exploded. Hans gave a hearty red faced smile, and with his friends hobbled back into the tent to have a congratulatory pretzel.
“Long live Oktoberfest!” cried Hans. They cheered and began devouring a savory pig roast, knowing that next year’s would be just as fun.
The Oktoberfesters noticed the growing shadow as I darkened the stuffy tent, and they recognized it immediately. “Oh no, they’re back!” cried Hans’s friend Heinrich Von Vindow-Vasher. The Eiffel tower hovered over the green German horizon, massive rockets attached to its four bases. Piloting the evil construct was none other than Pierre the Fighter pilot.
“Denizens of Oktoberfest!” he shouted in a thick accent, “Cease this festival at ONCE! The consumption of alcohol is no stable activity for a cultural celebration! You should celebrate with paintings and class like we French!”
“Do you mean “we French” as in the group of you, or Oui French which means yes French?” shouted a German Tuba player from the crowd.
“It doesn’t matter,” Hans interrupted, “I’ve been to every Oktoberfest since I could walk upright, and no Legionnaire is going to stop me!” Hans grabbed every remaining untapped keg and barrel, hopped in his multicolored Volkswagen bus and drove to the Berlin science center’s centrifuge. After intense shaking and spinning, the canisters vibrated with dangerous gaseous tension. Hans Lugged the bursting barrels back to his van, and sped back to the festival, where Pierre and the crowd was still arguing about the “we French” statement.
Hans stood triumphantly and lined up his munitions, oompa music in his ears and pride in his heart.
“LE CHAAAAARGE!” Pierre shouted and the French monument slowly began its rocket boosted advance towards the puny beer tent. Hans picked up an oompa drummer’s mallet and struck the corks and taps on the barrels. The canisters shot at the Eiffel tower, foam trailing behind, driven by sheer gaseous pressure. After several direct hits, the tower was covered in ale, and the rockets combusted the monument into a massive flaming spire. “If I go down, I go down in flames!” cried Pierre as the Eiffel Tower listed to the side and exploded. Hans gave a hearty red faced smile, and with his friends hobbled back into the tent to have a congratulatory pretzel.
“Long live Oktoberfest!” cried Hans. They cheered and began devouring a savory pig roast, knowing that next year’s would be just as fun.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Surviving an Action Movie
Lets start off simple here. If you find yourself in a movie, you will pe pit against an antagonist. This antagonist will ruin your life, and it is your purpouse to defeat this villain. DO NOT ASSUME THIS ANTAGONIST HAS BEEN DEFEATED UNTIL YOU SEE HIS BODY OR REMAINS! Too many times has a character been killed off because they assumed "Theres no way he could have survived that fall!" and then bam! Right in the kisser.
Secondly, If you run into a female character who talks alot, YOU WILL END UP WITH HER. Believe me, it doesnt matter how much you both cant stand eachother in the beginning of the plot, the director considers this conflict "Dynamic Romantic Tension."in lamen's terms, you two will be marching down the aisle by lunchtime.
The scientist character always dies first. Trust me. If you find yourself in a movie, and your GPA is equal to or higher than 4.5, kill yourself. DO IT. DO IT NOW.
DO NOT EXPECT TO MARCH RIGHT UP TO THE VILLAIN AND DEFEAT HIM! Noooo, you have to work your way up, take out his henchmen first, than his lieutenants, than his second in command (the female character will probably take out the only other female character in a catfight) and finally, you beat him one on one, probably through an explosion, avalanche or other chain reaction. Remember rule 1!
Are you holding a gun in the beginning of your journey? Yes? Throw it off a cliff. Believe me, youre going to get less use out of that thing than a fork at KFC. Either youll be out of bullets, or it will be just out of reach when you most need it. I know, its crazy, but believe me, it happens all the time.
When you finally defeat your villain, You must say a witty or imposing line or quip. If you don't, the villain will keep coming back scarred or replaced with robotic body parts until you do. Take for example, jaws from James Bond. Seriously, How many times has that guy died?
DO NOT GET INTO A CAR. TRUST ME. CARS = BAAAAAD! Either it will break down, run out of gas, get its tires blown out, etc. Instead, grab a nice motorcycle. You'll be fine, trust me.
The bad guys have terrible aim. Take advantage of this. Allow them to shoot at you as much as possible before actually taking action. Its fun!
THANK YOU FOR READING ZANE'S ACTION MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE! With these rules you will be more than prepared for your poorly constructed plot and lousy character design!
Secondly, If you run into a female character who talks alot, YOU WILL END UP WITH HER. Believe me, it doesnt matter how much you both cant stand eachother in the beginning of the plot, the director considers this conflict "Dynamic Romantic Tension."in lamen's terms, you two will be marching down the aisle by lunchtime.
The scientist character always dies first. Trust me. If you find yourself in a movie, and your GPA is equal to or higher than 4.5, kill yourself. DO IT. DO IT NOW.
DO NOT EXPECT TO MARCH RIGHT UP TO THE VILLAIN AND DEFEAT HIM! Noooo, you have to work your way up, take out his henchmen first, than his lieutenants, than his second in command (the female character will probably take out the only other female character in a catfight) and finally, you beat him one on one, probably through an explosion, avalanche or other chain reaction. Remember rule 1!
Are you holding a gun in the beginning of your journey? Yes? Throw it off a cliff. Believe me, youre going to get less use out of that thing than a fork at KFC. Either youll be out of bullets, or it will be just out of reach when you most need it. I know, its crazy, but believe me, it happens all the time.
When you finally defeat your villain, You must say a witty or imposing line or quip. If you don't, the villain will keep coming back scarred or replaced with robotic body parts until you do. Take for example, jaws from James Bond. Seriously, How many times has that guy died?
DO NOT GET INTO A CAR. TRUST ME. CARS = BAAAAAD! Either it will break down, run out of gas, get its tires blown out, etc. Instead, grab a nice motorcycle. You'll be fine, trust me.
The bad guys have terrible aim. Take advantage of this. Allow them to shoot at you as much as possible before actually taking action. Its fun!
THANK YOU FOR READING ZANE'S ACTION MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE! With these rules you will be more than prepared for your poorly constructed plot and lousy character design!
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